Are you looking for a good joke to tell as the Joke Master or to include in your next speech? Well, look no further because I’ve compiled a list of 52 clean and punny jokes you can share with your fellow Toastmasters at your upcoming Toastmasters club meetings! Some are cheesy while others are Gouda.
1. How many actors does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Only one. They don’t like to share the spotlight.
2. Two chickpeas are walking down the street when one chickpea starts to vomit.
The other chickpea asks, “Are you okay?” and the chickpea answers, “No, I falafel.”
3. Three conspiracy theorists walk into a bar.
You can’t tell me that’s just a coincidence!
4. How do you know the moon is going broke?
It’s down to its last quarter.
5. What does a dog say when he sits down on a piece of sandpaper?
6. Why don’t ants get sick?
Because they have little anty-bodies.
7. What should a lawyer always wear to a court?
A good lawsuit!
8. As part of our chemistry coursework, everyone in my class had to create a glue strong enough to stick a wooden chair to the wall.
The teacher said my effort was the best.
I nailed it.
9. Where do animals go when their tails fall off?
The retail store.
10. What is Harry Potter’s favorite method of getting down a hill?
Walking… jk, rolling.
11. Today, my son asked “Can I have a book mark?” and I burst into tears.
11 years old and he still doesn’t know my name is Brian.
12. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love, and got married.
The ceremony wasn’t much, but the reception was excellent.
13. What did the thermometer say to the graduated cylinder?
You may have graduated but I’ve got many degrees.
14. What do you call the security outside of a Samsung Store?
Guardians of the Galaxy
15. Why can you never trust atoms?
They make up everything!
16. Who earns a living driving their customers away?
A taxi driver!
17. What did the religious owner of a pest control company tell his workers [before] he sent them off to their assignments each day?
“Brothers and sisters, let us spray.”
18. There was a kidnapping at school yesterday.
Don’t worry, though—he woke up.
19. Why do cows have hooves instead of feet?
Because they lactose
20. How do you find Will Smith in the snow?
Look for the Fresh Prints.
21. What happens if you eat yeast and shoe polish?
Every morning you will rise and shine!
22. Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool, so I gave him a glass of water.
23. What do you call a bee that lives in America?
24. I accidentally handed my husband/wife a glue stick instead of a chapstick.
He/She still isn’t talking to me.
25. What was the football coach yelling at the vending machine?
“Gimme my quarter back!!”
26. How many South Americans does it take to change a lightbulb?
27. Where do boats go when they get sick?
28. I accidentally went to bed with my contact lenses in the other night.
My dreams have never been clearer.
29. Did you hear about the guy who got hit in the head with a can of soda?
He was lucky it was a soft drink.
30. They told me I have Type A blood but it was a Type O.
31. How does an attorney sleep?
First he lies on one side, then he lies on the other.
32. What did the buffalo say to his son when he left for college?
33. If life throws you melons, you might be dyslexic.
34. What do you call a cow who gives no milk?
A milk dud
35. A police officer just knocked on my door and told me my dogs are chasing people on bikes.
That’s ridiculous. My dogs doesn’t even own bikes!
36. What did E.T.’s mother say to him when he got home?
“Where on Earth have you been?!”
37. Why are programmers not fans of the outdoors?
There are too many bugs.
38. The shovel was a ground breaking invention, but everyone was blown away by the leaf blower.
39. What do you call the wife of a hippie?
40. What do you call an academically successful slice of bread?
An honor roll
41. The wedding was emotional.
Even the cake was in tiers.
42. What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary?
43. Why did the king go to the dentist?
To get his teeth crowned.
44. [Someone] hit me in the street yesterday and ran off with my limbo stick.
I mean really, how low can you go?
45. “Hey Dad, have you seen my sunglasses?”
“No son, have you seen my glasses?”
46. Just burned 2,000 calories.
That’s the last time I leave brownies in the oven while I nap.
47. What’s the best way to communicate with a fish?
Drop them a line.
48. eBay is so useless.
I tried to look up lighters and all they had was 13,749 matches.
49. What do you call cheese that isn’t yours?
50. I’m trying to date a philosophy professor, but he/she doesn’t even know if I exist or not.
51. Why did the golfer wear two pairs of pants?
In case he got a hole in one.
52. How many actors does it take to screw in a light bulb?
One, but 500 auditioned for the part.
Over to You
Out of the 52 puns listed here, which one(s) do you like the best? Let me know in the comments section below or via Twitter @jessicadukharan!