Are you looking for a good joke to tell as the Joke Master or to include in your next speech? Well, look no further because I’ve compiled a list of 52 clean and punny jokes you can share with your fellow Toastmasters at your upcoming Toastmasters club meetings! Some are cheesy while others are Gouda.

1. How many actors does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Only one. They don’t like to share the spotlight.

Source: dumb.com

2. Two chickpeas are walking down the street when one chickpea starts to vomit.

The other chickpea asks, “Are you okay?” and the chickpea answers, “No, I falafel.”

Source: indy100.com

3. Three conspiracy theorists walk into a bar.

You can’t tell me that’s just a coincidence!

Source: bestlifeonline.com 

4. How do you know the moon is going broke?

It’s down to its last quarter.

Source: laffgaff.com

5. What does a dog say when he sits down on a piece of sandpaper?

“Ruff!”

Source: short-funny.com

6. Why don’t ants get sick?

Because they have little anty-bodies.

Source: indy100.com

7. What should a lawyer always wear to a court?

A good lawsuit! 

Source: bestlifeonline.com

8. As part of our chemistry coursework, everyone in my class had to create a glue strong enough to stick a wooden chair to the wall.

The teacher said my effort was the best.

I nailed it.

Source: laffgaff.com

9. Where do animals go when their tails fall off?

The retail store.

Source: buzzfeed.com

10. What is Harry Potter’s favorite method of getting down a hill?

Walking… jk, rolling.

Source: indy100.com

11. Today, my son asked “Can I have a book mark?” and I burst into tears.

11 years old and he still doesn’t know my name is Brian.

Source: onelinefun.com

12. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love, and got married.

The ceremony wasn’t much, but the reception was excellent.

Source: dumb.com

13. What did the thermometer say to the graduated cylinder?

You may have graduated but I’ve got many degrees.

Source: dumb.com

14. What do you call the security outside of a Samsung Store?

Guardians of the Galaxy

Source: onelinefun.com

15. Why can you never trust atoms? 

They make up everything!

Source: RD.com

16. Who earns a living driving their customers away?

A taxi driver!

Source: onelinefun.com

17. What did the religious owner of a pest control company tell his workers [before] he sent them off to their assignments each day? 

“Brothers and sisters, let us spray.”

Source: dumb.com 

18. There was a kidnapping at school yesterday.

Don’t worry, though—he woke up.

Source: thoughtcatalog.com

19. Why do cows have hooves instead of feet?

Because they lactose

Source: theodysseyonline.com

20. How do you find Will Smith in the snow?

Look for the Fresh Prints.

Source: dumb.com

21. What happens if you eat yeast and shoe polish?

Every morning you will rise and shine!

Source: onelinefun.com

22. Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool, so I gave him a glass of water.

Source: pun.me

23. What do you call a bee that lives in America?

A USB.

Source: onelinefun.com

24. I accidentally handed my husband/wife a glue stick instead of a chapstick.

He/She still isn’t talking to me.

Source: onelinefun.com

25. What was the football coach yelling at the vending machine?

“Gimme my quarter back!!”

Source: short-funny.com

26. How many South Americans does it take to change a lightbulb?

A Brazilian. 

Source: buzzfeed.com

27. Where do boats go when they get sick?

The dock!

Source: pun.me

28. I accidentally went to bed with my contact lenses in the other night.

My dreams have never been clearer.

Source: thoughtcatalog.com

29. Did you hear about the guy who got hit in the head with a can of soda?

He was lucky it was a soft drink.

Source: onelinefun.com

30. They told me I have Type A blood but it was a Type O.

Source: thoughtcatalog.com

31. How does an attorney sleep?

First he lies on one side, then he lies on the other.

Source: thoughtcatalog.com

32. What did the buffalo say to his son when he left for college?

“Bison.”

Source: buzzfeed.com

33. If life throws you melons, you might be dyslexic.

Source: pun.me 

34. What do you call a cow who gives no milk?

A milk dud

Source: dumb.com

35. A police officer just knocked on my door and told me my dogs are chasing people on bikes.

That’s ridiculous. My dogs doesn’t even own bikes!

Source: bestlifeonline.com

36. What did E.T.’s mother say to him when he got home?

“Where on Earth have you been?!”

Source: onelinefun.com

37. Why are programmers not fans of the outdoors?

There are too many bugs.

Source: short-funny.com

38. The shovel was a ground breaking invention, but everyone was blown away by the leaf blower.

Source: sunnyskyz.com

39. What do you call the wife of a hippie?

A Mississippi.

Source: short-funny.com

40. What do you call an academically successful slice of bread?

An honor roll

Source: onelinefun.com

41. The wedding was emotional.

Even the cake was in tiers. 

Source: thoughtcatalog.com 

42. What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary?

A Thesaurus.

Source: pun.me

43. Why did the king go to the dentist?

To get his teeth crowned.

Source: dumb.com   

44. [Someone] hit me in the street yesterday and ran off with my limbo stick.

I mean really, how low can you go?

Source: short-funny.com

45. “Hey Dad, have you seen my sunglasses?”

“No son, have you seen my glasses?”

Source: onelinefun.com

46. Just burned 2,000 calories.

That’s the last time I leave brownies in the oven while I nap.

Source: onelinefun.com

47. What’s the best way to communicate with a fish?

Drop them a line.

Source: dumb.com

48. eBay is so useless.

I tried to look up lighters and all they had was 13,749 matches.

Source: onelinefun.com 

49. What do you call cheese that isn’t yours?

Nacho Cheese.  

Source: dumb.com

50. I’m trying to date a philosophy professor, but he/she doesn’t even know if I exist or not.

Source: onelinefun.com

51. Why did the golfer wear two pairs of pants?

In case he got a hole in one.

Source: onelinefun.com

52. How many actors does it take to screw in a light bulb?

One, but 500 auditioned for the part.

Source: dumb.com

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Over to You

Out of the 52 puns listed here, which one(s) do you like the best? Let me know in the comments section below or via Twitter @jessicadukharan!